Deleted Scenes from Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Non-spoiler alert: this parody does not give anything away about the film.

I can't tell you how I acquired the scenes that were deleted from the screenplay or from the film, but here are a few of the bits that were edited out of Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

1. Evil guy Kylo Ren's evil sidekick is revealed to be Jar-Jar Binks, who altered his voice surgically and now seeks revenge on all who mocked him--which is pretty much everyone in the galaxy.

2. Han Solo is depressed that after 30 years of ceaseless toil hauling sketchy cargo around the galaxy, he's still patching up the Millennium Falcon. 3CPO's attempt to cheer Han fails to lift his dark mood and Chewbacca has to be restrained from removing the protocol droid's head.

3. The Republic's forces downloaded Windows 10 and now their communication system is in disarray, leaving them vulnerable to attack.

4. R2D2 has an identity crisis: are he and 3CPO a straight couple, gay, or two "it"s? Or are they "just friends"?

5. Luke Skywalker has been doing very well for himself selling Rebel-Republic bonds and credit default swaps. The attack on the Republic has ruined his portfolio and well, it's not nice to fool with Jedi business....

6. Chewbacca confesses to Princess Leia that he still hasn't gotten over her cruel reference to him as a "walking carpet."

7. Rebel pilots complain about having to fly decrepit old-generation X-Wing fighters, and their leaders admit the financing of new fighters fell through when the galactic Central Bank raised interest rates.

8. The Dark Side forces the galaxy to only use dark-chocolate chips in all chocolate chip cookies.

There are more lost scenes, but we know enough now to be grateful for ruthless editors.

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