So Sorry, But Every Inch of You Is Toxic

Your toxicity will fall to manageable levels as long as you keep spending money.

I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but let's face it: every inch of you is toxic and you urgently need to detox literally everything.

Have you looked at what's in your gums under a microscope? Please don't, you may faint from the horror. Your whole mouth is a cesspit of toxicity, but your gums are off the charts: if you were to spit into a tidal pool, everything would die: corals would bleach, fish would go belly-up, jellyfish would explode, every bit of seaweed would shrivel up. Yes, it's that bad.

But fortunately there's something that will knock down the toxicity of your gums: Crestfallen Pro-Health Gum Detoxify. Load your toothbrush with this amazing product three times a day--four if you have a midnight snack--and the toxins in your gums will diminish.

If you stop using the product--oh please don't be that foolish--then all that toxicity will return overnight, and you'll be back to square one.

As for the rest of your body, sorry, you're a walking sack of toxicity. You're stuffed to the gills with microplastics and forever chemicals to the point that you should be declared an environmental-hazard Superfund site.

As for your digestive tract, I'm not sure you're up to hearing just how toxic all that stuff is in there. You need probiotics by the truckload just for starters, cleansing enemas and a couple dozen supplements taken daily for the rest of your life to keep the inflammation and toxins down to levels where you're not a danger to yourself and your loved ones.

The toxicity of your compulsions is pegged to 11. I mean, what aren't you addicted to? There's the media, "likes," social media, your phone, tablet, TV, Twinkies, TikTok, painkillers, porn, gambling, buying zero-day expiration call options, trolling, gaming, the candy aisle in Walmart, speed-dating, chaos theory, Gilligan's Island re-runs--let's face it, it's like you're Living On Reds, Vitamin C And Cocaine, and All A Friend Can Say Is Ain't It A Shame.

What goes on in that head of yours--oh lordy-lord, if the aliens abduct you and hook their sensors up to your brain, your toxic thoughts and emotions will have them oozing purple goo from every orifice and emitting unearthly sounds of dreadful distress. They'll drop you back on Earth like a hot potato.

You want the honest truth, don't you? Of course you do. You're one of three things:

1) a toxic parent

2) a toxic kid

3) both

You need a truly massive, sustained detoxing, starting with a couple dozen self-help books, immersion detoxification, previous lives regression, karmic detox, hallucinogens, guided tours to holy sites, heat treatments, cognitive therapy, a couple decades of talk therapy, biometric feedback, and a container load of medications, of course--the works.

This is going to cost you, but it will all be worth it. Your toxicity will fall to manageable levels as long as you keep spending money.

Or you could be kind to yourself and others and call it good. But then our economy would crash, unleashing a veritable tsunami of toxicity.

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