Friday, November 16, 2012

Start Your Own Financial Media Channel with This Template

This secret template enables everyone to launch their own financial "news" channel.

You've probably noticed the cookie-cutter format of most financial media "news":a few key "buzz words" (fiscal cliff, Bush tax cuts, etc.) are inserted into conventional contexts, and this is passed off as either "reporting" or "commentary" depending on the number of pundits sourced.

Correspondent Frank M. kindly passed along a template that is "officially deny its existence" secret within the mainstream media. Although we don't present the accompanying algorithm here, it inserts unnamed sources to add veracity, i.e. "Wall Street sources say" or "Capital Hill sources report," etc.

With this template, you could launch your own financial media channel, ready to compete with the big boys. Heck, you could hire some cheap overseas labor to make a few Skype calls to "the usual suspects," for-hire academics, hedge fund gurus, etc. and actually attribute the fluff to a real person.

Or you could automate the entire process and have a bot contact the pundit via email and solicit the "conventional wisdom" for insertion in the template.

It doesn't take much to tweak this for any occasion or crisis: just modify the tag generator (for example, by picking the most popular financial phrases on Twitter in the past 24 hours):

Embargo until leaked
DRAFT Rev. 2.09, 2012 November 15

Preliminary data from TAG_000 suggest that TAG_001 has bottomed, with an overall rebound likely after a modest consolidation. The consensus forecast is for gradual recovery in the TAG_002 quarter, owing to previous stimulus measures.

Some analysts, however, caution that lingering headwinds from TAG_003 could endanger a still-fragile recovery. That risk merits continued monitoring, according to TAG_004, chief TAG_005 for TAG_006, adding that while TAG_007 remains subdued, officials can be expected to continue current monetary policies, shoring up prospects for firmer growth in coming quarters.

Although improvement in TAG_008 represents a reversal of the trend during the last five months, leading economists are divided over the extent of TAG_009, as the effects of TAG_010 fade. 

Nevertheless, seasonally adjusted numbers for TAG_011 indicate that the momentum of a key measure, the ratio of TAG_012 to TAG_013, has reached an inflection point, signaling possible future growth in TAG_014.

TAG_015 of TAG_016 warns that global cross-currents make forecasting unusually difficult at this time. In particular, the effects of unrest in the Middle East -- effects that would normally drive TAG_017 higher -- run headlong into declining demand for TAG_018, adding to pressures for TAG_019. At the same time, a seemingly intractable eurozone crisis had earlier been accompanied by expectations of distress in TAG_020, an outcome now discounted by sovereign-debt markets, based on yesterday's announcement of new confidence-building measures by TAG_021 of TAG_022 and TAG_023 of TAG_024.

In the United States, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified to Congress that, despite any apparent setbacks in the previous quarter, the recovery -- fostered by zero-interest overnight rates for selected financial institutions and bolstered by undisclosed distributions of roughly US$29 trillion in quantitative easing and other forms of support to many of those same institutions -- remains on track. Similar sentiments were echoed by Mario Draghi, head of the European Central Bank, reassuring investors in Europe and elsewhere.

A slower pace of regional contractions can now be predicted with some confidence, says TAG_025 of TAG_026. For the global economy, the macroeconomic risks of America's so-called "fiscal cliff" can be mitigated through liquidity injections, either in open-market operations by central banks or in further cuts to the reserve requirements of commercial and investment banks. The Federal Reserve Bank of New York confirms this assessment, noting that all contra-indications of recovery are either transitory, such as TAG_027, or based on statistics that have yet to be corrected retroactively.

In any case, experts agree that the recovery is set to gain traction going forward, with accommodative releveraging by TAG_028 and accelerated liquidity conditioning by TAG_029 only adding to consumer confidence, as the year-on-year change in the acceleration of uncontraction in TAG_030 offers an incrementally but dramatically better outlook for survey results in the coming periods. Furthermore, new forms of support for rehypothecation of TAG_031 offer additional incentives for investors to shift sidelined cash back into the marketplace.

Meanwhile, excess reserves lodged with the Federal Reserve and the European Central Bank continue to TAG_032, as do the nominal sums of derivative instruments -- now valued at TAG_033 -- tracked by the Bank for International Settlements in Basel, Switzerland. The strength of both asset classes in the current quarter provides further evidence of an increasingly robust recovery worldwide.

A spokeswoman for the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis declined comment for this article, saying that she is not authorized to speak for the bank. In response, TAG_034 surged higher at the close of trading.

*     *     *     *     *

(a) New applications for unemployment, (b) Layoff notices, (c) New home sales, (d) Foreclosures

(a) The US housing market, (b) Retail sales, (c) Joblessness, (d) Ponzification

(a) First, (b) Second, (c) Third, (d) Fourth, (e) Fifth, (f) Six hundred and nineteenth from now

(a) Oil prices, (b) The eurozone, (c) the BRICs, (d) The Desert Crab People of the Orion Nebula

(a) Larry Yun, (b) Larry Summers, (c) Larry Fine, (d) Moe Howard, (e) Curly Howard, (f) Jon Hilsenrath, (g) Miss South Carolina, (h) David Brooks, (i) Paul Krugman

(a) Economist, (b) Sociopoliticoeconometrician, (c) Scholar in Residence, (d) Mistress, (e) Astrologer

(a) The National Association of Realtors, (b) the New York Times, (c) Maurice's Snak-n-Chat Café, (d) the White House, (e) the Commerce Department, (f) The Ministry of Food Safety, Cosmetology and Taxidermy

(a) Inflation, (b) Deflation, (c) Stability, (d) Instability, (e) Hope, (f) Change, (g) Federal prosecution

(a) Employment, (b) Innovation, (c) Nanotechnology, (d) Many people's attitudes, (e) Fukushima radiation levels

(a) Keynesian effectiveness, (b) Austrian integrity, (c) DisneyWorld pricing

(a) Quantitative easing, (b) Unindicted counterfeiting, (c) Debt-based prosperity, (d) Self-medication

(a) New unemployment claims, (b) The CPI, (c) Manufacturing inventories, (d) Imported plastic gew-gaws

(a) M2, (b) Rate of growth in M2, (c) False-flag operations, (d) Rate of growth in false-flag operations, (e) "Hello Kitty" futures contracts

(a) GDP, (b) The YoY change in GDP, (c) The proximity to US national debt ceiling, (d) The one-year moving average of the number of head gaskets blown in NASCAR competition, (e) Burundi infection rates

(a) Equity markets, (b) Bond markets, (c) Equity markets, (d) Equity markets

(a) Jamie Dimon, (b) Lloyd Blankfein, (c) Randy Jackson, (d) Paula Abdul, (e) Simon Cowell

(a) Citywide Bank of Lynch Sachs, (b) the National Association of Money-Laundering Professionals, (c) Starbucks, (d) That other Starbucks, the new one, across the street, (e) San Pedro Jazzercise(tm)

(a) Crude oil prices, (b) The prices of things that are not oil but are counted as oil, anyway, (c) The self-esteem of American adolescents, (d) The number of times that American politicians used the word "folks" yesterday

(a) Brent crude, (b) WTI crude, (c) Crude analogies, (d) croutons and crudités

(a) Power-generation efficiencies, (b) Somber press releases, (c) Banking subsidies, (d) Other banking subsidies

(a) Spanish housing, (b) Ex-Irish sales of Guinness, (c) The incidence of rude hand gestures by Italian male twentysomethings, (d) Greek exports of durable goods

(a) Herman van Rompuy, (b) Mario Monti, (c) Silvio Berlusconi, (d) That teenage dancer whose YouTube video went viral (e) Gideon Gono, (f) Alan Krueger, (g) Jim Cramer, (h) Timmy G, Deputy Assistant Prince of Darkness

(a) The European Council (Commission, Cartel, whatever), (b) The European Parliament (Council, Commission, Cartel, whatever), (c) The European Central Bank (Parliament, Council, Commission, Cartel, whatever), (d) The IMF, (e) The Jerry Sandusky Family Values Foundation, (f) The Wal-Mart Human Resources Department

(a) Kim Jong-un, (b) Jon Corzine, (c) Christine Lagarde, (d) A senior US administration official who asked not to be identified, (e) Leon Panetta, the senior US administration official who asked not to be identified, (f) K-pop rapper Psy, (g) Larry Kudlow, (h) Bob Rubin

(a) The Federal Reserve Bank of New York, (b) The Bundesministerium der Finanzen, (c) Life Magazine, (d) Hooters No. 3 of Shanghai, (e) The Bank of England, (f) The Bureau of Labor Statistics

(a) Janet Yellen, (b) Fred Mishkin, (c) Jerry Springer, (d) George Akerlof, (e) Christina Romer, (f) Jared Bernstein, (g) Austan Goolsbee, (h) Dr. Evil's cat, Mr. Bigglesworth

(a) The Institute for Advanced Study, (b) The Princeton Economics Department, (c) The European Commission's Yarn Museum, (d) SeaWorld San Diego, (e) The Wall Street Journal

(a) Winter, (b) Summer, (c) Drought, (d) Flood, (e) The wrong kind of daylight in Iceland

(a) US consumers, (b) Eurozone consumers, (c) Chinese state-owned enterprises, (d) Pottery Barn

(a) JP Morgan Chase, (b) Wells Fargo, (c) The Central Bank of Andorra, (d) The Southern Baptist Convention, (e) The Shagadelic Tiger-Stripe Lounge next to the Atlantic City airport

(a) The agricultural commodities supply chain, (b) The minerals support complex, (c) Haitian specialty publishing, (d) Drone missile strikes on Pakistani weddings and rescue efforts

(a) Interest rate swaps, (b) Credit default swaps, (c) Wife swaps, (d) Gold, (e) Previously rehypothecated gold, (f) Tungsten, (g) Previously rehypothecated tungsten, (h) Indonesian schoolchildren whose vital organs have been pledged as collateral to no more than four foreign surgical-transplant teams each

(a) Grow, (b) Grow

(a) A quadrillion US dollars, (b) A quintillion US dollars, (c) A mind-boggingly huge number of US dollars -- I mean, you might think that space is big, really big, but that's just peanuts compared to the OTC derivatives market

(a) Pretty much everything

This "financial news template" spoof was written by Frank M.; thank you, Frank, for a brilliant commentary on the state of the mainstream financial media. Copy and paste, indeed....

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